i’m scared

I am scared for my husband. He is in Afghanistan. There is a situation I cannot talk about right now, but just that things have been rough lately. I am worried for his safety and his career. All I can think is that there’s only two months left, but then I think there are STILL two more months left. I’ve been okay all this time, but these last couple weeks have taken a toll.nnAs for immediate fears with your little one, I understand (mom of three, the fears don’t stop just take on different dimensions). Let me tell you, black tar is normal. If you were having a boy I would also say watch out for the fountain that inevitably occurs with cold air, but you won’t have to fear that yet.

Thanks for being transparent.nnRight now I’m scared of not getting a job that will pay for the MBA I’ll graduate with this summer.

Jeanna – holding you in prayer. My DH is deployed to the Pacific right now, so I don’t know the fear that goes with a desert deployment, just the stress of being the one at home with (sick) baby and kids, job, etc. Are you connected with the family support services at whatever your home installation is? Staying busy, and not watching the news too much can also be helpful. nnHang in there, and thanks to your family for your service – truly, all of you are serving!nnBe blessed – nPauline

It’s a long story.nRight now I’m scared of coming home from work, or from anywhere, and finding my brother-in-law at my house, alive or maybe dead. nI’ve never been afraid of anyone before. nBut he is depressed and mentally unstable and suicidal and a drug addict. He recently called to ask me to take him in and I refused because I was home alone with my two kids. So, he told me he was “gonna get everybody” before “going out in blades of glory”. It was a long, loud phone conversation, but between me and my husband (who had rushed home from work after I text-messaged him while on the phone), we finally convinced him to tell his NA sponsors where he was and they picked him up. They checked him into a psychiatric emergency facility but his girlfriend checked him out two days later. nI don’t know where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s working, if he’s in contact with my mother-in-law because she won’t talk about it…and my husband is now perpetually furious at his brother for calling me and dragging me through the whole mess. nI’m tired. I’m brittle. I’m digging up graphic memories of the close friend whose suicide I witnessed. I come home, I rush into my house and I lock the doorknob, deadbolt and slide-bolt in two seconds flat, then jog to the security panel and re-set the alarm, all before putting down my keys & purse and taking my coat off. It’s pathetic. n God and I, we’re working it out. He’s sent lots of support my way, disguised as ordinary people; certain ladies in my women’s group who I’ve dissected scripture with for the past three years but never really knew, the cool Facebook/Twitter/church girl I barely knew but is now one of my best friends and my go-to prayer-partner, my mother-in-law who is finally supporting my stand against enabling her son, even your blog post the other day about focusing on the positive… I know God has given me grace to get through this, and it is amazing, but sometimes I refuse and walk right out from under it. He feeds me scripture with new understanding and takes my fear when I let Him. But. There are still a few moments each day when the frantic urge to panic takes over. nnThat’s my scary thing in life right now.nnThat, and wondering if I’ll ever really jump into the mission field with both feet or if I’ll just look back when I’m eighty and regret never giving it a real shot.nnI shared your current fear though, twice, and it still comes and goes. My kids are awesome, and parenting them is an awesome responsibility but a great honor. nIf your blog reflects your life, Colbie will be blessed to have you and your wife as parents. Congratulations in advance for your new little blessing!

Right now I’m scared of… life. nnIt is suddenly a whole lot harder and darker and more frightening than I ever thought it could possibly be. And, to be honest, I’d rather curl up in a ball and ignore the tomorrows that keep coming…

im scared that i will never have a best friend.

some decisions are definitely harder to make than others, huh?

Well, praying for your family. I can’t imagine having to leave Jasmine for that long of time. Oh and thanks for the black tar warning.

Wow, another one with a family member deployed. Must be tough. Keeping you in our prayers as well.

Well, Becky thank you so much for being honest and open and vulnerable. I don’t really know full extent of everything happening, but just know that you can talk to Jasmine or me anytime you need to. You’re such a blessing. Your future will fall in to place, trust me. No need to worry. We love you!

Will keep you in our thoughts and prayers

Thank you too Pauline. This is actually my husband’s third time in combat and his fourth time going overseas without us (he went to South Korea in 07-08). I think I used up all my strength back in August and November when I blew out my knee then had to have surgery haha. Seriously though, I have just reached a point of exhaustion I guess and I am letting myself get stressed and worried over stuff. But it is always a comfort knowing there are other’s in the same boat who understand.

Jeanna- I’m hearing lots of strength in there!rnrnBut I definitely can relate to feeling exhausted by separations. The added stress and worry is so wearisome. Hugs. Do you have a good support network with friends who will let you vent your fears and will just listen? rnrnPraying for you both. The increased ops tempo is so hard on marriages. rnrnBlessings,rnPauline

The future. Seminary + marriage + a bad economy = ??.nnI just need to remind myself that God has always provided for me.